Married People Have the Best Sex!
- by Ligia Brubaker, Certified SRA / Dibbles Institute Educator If you are a Dr. House MD geek-fan (like I am), you are probably very familiar with his mantra, “Everybody lies.” And when it comes to sex, this is just as true. Sex is a very powerful way in which people connect. Unfortunately, there are a great number of myths developed around it. The general superstition regarding sex is that once you get married sex gets boring. The truth is, for the majority of single Americans sex tends to be sporadic, infrequent, and for an increasing number of young adults, non-existent. There are, of course, some singles that are experiencing sexual activity. Contrary to commonly held beliefs, however, these people are in the minority—not the majority—of the population. The vast majority of people who have a satisfying sexual relationship with their partner are married. If you are still among those who believe singles have a lot more/better sex than married people, take a look at this cutting-edge study about the sexual habits of married Americans vs. single Americans. And guess what? Single people do not have better sex than married people! Married people have better sex lives than single people (that is, married people who are not in abusive marriages). The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB) is the largest nationally representative probability survey focused on understanding sex in the United States. Conducted by researchers at or affiliated with the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at the Indiana University School of Public Health, the NSSHB is an ongoing multi-wave study with data collected in 2009, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, and 2018. This institute has worked with more than 20,000 people between the ages of 14 and 102 who have participated in the NSSHB. One of the most comprehensive studies on the subject, which was released in 2010 by the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, compiled statistics on the sexual attitudes and habits of 5,865 people between ages 14 and 94. What did this study find? That single Americans having far more and much better sexual lives than married Americans has been proven to be just another cultural myth. Or, in the words of House MD, just another lie. In the past, we didn’t have the tools to prove why some choices are healthier and more satisfying than other choices. But now that we have the know-how, researchers and sociologists are finding a number of these glam myths about sex to be what they are—cultural myths; these professionals are coming up with some really serious evidence that is hard to overlook. While the single sex life is glamorized on film and TV, the reality is (for many people) both in quantity and quality, married life is far better than single life.
How much sex do singles vs. married Americans have? This amazing study revealed that less than 5% of singles between the ages of 25 and 59 have sex two to three times a week, while 25% of married people are beating the single record five times over. (Wow!!) A whopping 61% of singles reported that they hadn’t had sex within the past year, compared with 18% of married people. Want more sex? Get married and stay married to the same person!
So why are married people are having so much more sex than single people?
1. Married people… actually have a partner! A lot of the dating energy that goes into finding a partner had already been invested in the relationship years ago. Married people don’t have to spend a lot of time and energy looking for a partner and doing the groundwork for establishing a relationship. Of course, they still have to work at keeping the relationship healthy and satisfying, but once a relationship is on the right track and there is love, respect, and commitment between the partners, maintaining it takes a lot less time and energy than starting the relationship from scratch.
2. Married people know their partners. As the relationship between the two partners develops, they learn each other’s “inside jokes” and thoughts, and they create a culture of their own! A single wink while sharing dinner can speak volumes. When Hollywood productions show that wink that leaves both partners with starry eyes, what is left out are years of hard work! Relationships in which a wink means everything takes two people that worked for years at developing that relationship. Real life relationships don’t happen in 65 minutes (which is what it takes to watch a movie). So married people lead the score again: 2-0 against single people.
3. Married people are in no danger to contract STD’s—that is, if they stay faithful! Single people who are engaging in sexual relationships are NEVER 100% risk free. The only way to have sex and to be completely safe from contracting an STD is when both partners are in a mutually monogamous relationship. Otherwise, condoms and other protective measures are necessary for safety, and they do not always work. But what a relief it is to get past the stage of awkward conversations about STD’s! There’s great peace of mind in knowing that there’s nothing to worry about.
4. Married people do not fear rejection. While being married does mean coming to an understanding regarding what the sexual boundaries are, the anxiety that generally accompanies new relationships is very different and more complex than the feelings that come up when a long-term partner isn’t “in the mood” or is not willing to cross some specific boundaries. The fear of rejection is often a distraction from enjoying sexual connection.
5. Married people know what their marriage partners like. Learning the sexual preferences of a partner is just as challenging as learning a new language. In fact, our brain learns sexual behaviour just as it learns a language—by using the same learning process. We’ll share more about this in an upcoming video soon! When two partners who are in a lifetime mutually monogamous relationship share intimate moments, they speak a language that only the two of them know and that they have developed over time. It takes years to develop this love language, so hook-ups are way over-rated! Compared to language, a hook-up is like a dialogue between an Asian and a Russian, each speaking his own language. Good luck making sense of that conversation!
6. Married people trust each other, so they experience a greater freedom to risk and experiment. Nearly everyone has intimate needs and desires that may seem odd to an outside listener. When trust has been established and deepened through years of conversation, shared experiences, and shared life events, marriage partners have a much greater inclination to share some of the more intimate aspects of their desires. These conversations between married partners are extremely beneficial and enrich the relationship! Between occasional lovers, they are weird, misplaced, and expose vulnerable parts of one’s hearts that can later be used for the wrong purposes by the occasional partner.
7. Married people build their sexual experiences on the emotional connection they have. Married couples that invested time in building trust (rather than unmarried people who always invest time in finding a partner!), become very perceiving of the emotional intimacy developed within the relationship. This emotional intimacy is a very strong foundation for a good sexual experience.
Sexual intimacy built on deep emotional connection will ALWAYS be what people are looking for, even if they don’t know it. It is hard to explain how liberating and fulfilling a good marriage can be. And, good marriages start with learning how to choose a good partner!
If you want to learn how to choose a good partner, sign up for one of our free courses! We’ll be in touch next week with more relationship tips that can help you improve the quality of your relationships in general and your relationship with your lifetime partner in particular!